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The Worst Rollercoaster


So, my brother's worked at the local Amazon facility for a couple years now. He's put in for positions in other States, but they fell through. They've sent him to other facilities that, I guess were just getting started (and he's getting back from one in illinois, a couple hours away, tonight). He was offered a job in Kansas City, and he's accepted. He's anticipating the possibility that something might fall through (like the others), but he's prepared to leave in a couple weeks.

We've lived together my entire life. I don't relish still living with my parents, and I get that he has a desire to travel and try new things that I don't. He's been the sibling I've been closest to. Most of the time, we're watching/riffing TV or going to whatever comic-based movies are coming out.

I'm...not thrilled. I want him to succeed, and I get that he wants to get out of here. As much as I'd want him to stay, I asked God for what was best for him. Even before he said he accepted the offer (over Facebook, so I don't know if my parents know yet, since they don't check often), I was anticipating that he would, trying to ease myself into the idea of him moving out, and I always considered this event would come to pass, that we'd be living separately someday.

It is, like I said, a roller-coaster...of anxiety (fooled you with that title, didn't I?). There are times I'm thinking of it, trying to deal with going day by day not watching this or that with him. That conversations won't be as face to face quite as much. Some moments are fine, others are...not. I'll admit, I had a bit of a cry earlier. But when editing some comic pages for in impending review while listening to Glove and Boots live, that helped take my mind off it. So did looking up what Kansas City is like (it's less than 9 hours by car...that made me feel better).

I don't think it's only the separation anxiety. I'm unemployed, have no prospects, severe depression, low self-esteem, I hate being around people and traveling, I'm disinterested in a great deal...I don't like admitting this, but I'm scared...of a lot. Like, highways/freeways. Can't do it. When my brother and I road trip, all times but ONE, he was driving. So of course I feel like crap that he had to do take that burden. Because I'm certain I'm going to screw up somehow. And while my parents can drive me nuts...I feel needed, for reasons I won't divulge.

So, yeah...needed to get that out there. Thanks for reading.

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10/5/2017, 10:06 pm Link to this post Send Email to SporkBot   Send PM to SporkBot
 
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Re: The Worst Rollercoaster


Hey man, I get it. I really do.

Look, I didn't go into details here, but last November I was diagnosed with Moderate Severe Depression. Apparently, I've had it for years. Possibly decades. (Probably dating back to before most of you even knew me.) And it went untreated for years and years.

My mom died. I had a severe falling out and disownment from my middle brother, who I was close to. I lost my comic for a while there. (And that there was a fallout that affected me WAAAY more than I would care to admit.) I was engaged and it fell apart, and it took me a while to cope with that. I was single for a majority of the last ten years. I was diagnosed with a tumor and thought I was going to die for a while there. And then the topper to it all, I moved away from all my friends and family. Specifically my dad, who I've always been close to, and after my mom died, we were each other's support system. I moved to the middle of redneck Trumpville Pennsylvania, to be with my Geologist... A girlfriend who is still dealing with the fact that she was emotionally abused by her parents... So I have to deal with that too. Our dog died last year in August. I worked retail at Lowe's, at awkward hours of the week, where I saw my co-workers more than I saw the girl I moved out here for. (That first year was not pleasant.) I wasn't even living check to check. I was always asking for money from my dad. It took me finally moving in with her to get breathing space again. And in addition to that, I spent the last three years doing projects and stuff for OTHER people that I had to make a public announcement to tell people to go the !@#$ away. (I spent three years drawing comics for other people.)

And to top it all off, I stress eat, so I gained a lot of weight too. For the longest time, I was unemployed, depressed, and low-self esteemed as well. I wasn't very social either. I recently was taken off the meds, because I'm coping better now. But yeah. I totally get where you're coming from.

(However I got laid off from my ad design job this last April, and now I'm working part time in a pizza place. And ironically enough? IT HELPED!! I don't get blamed for !@#$ that's not my fault. And when I do screw up, they don't treat it like the end of the world!)

If I may offer one bit of advice, which you don't have to take: Fix the low hanging fruit first. You mentioned problems you got. Take the easiest one of those to fix, and make that your priority. Get some sort of employment. (Even a shitty one at a pizza place.) Get some education in some field of industry. See a doctor about the depression if you haven't. (And please don't tell me your family is the type to believe in "Praying away the depression.") Whatever... Find one of those problems, probably the simplest one, and focus all energies on resolving just that one. And then... Other stuff should fall into place.

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10/5/2017, 11:51 pm Link to this post Send Email to MachSabre   Send PM to MachSabre AIM
 
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Re: The Worst Rollercoaster


quote:

MachSabre wrote:

If I may offer one bit of advice, which you don't have to take: Fix the low hanging fruit first. You mentioned problems you got. Take the easiest one of those to fix, and make that your priority. Get some sort of employment. (Even a shitty one at a pizza place.) Get some education in some field of industry. See a doctor about the depression if you haven't. (And please don't tell me your family is the type to believe in "Praying away the depression.") Whatever... Find one of those problems, probably the simplest one, and focus all energies on resolving just that one. And then... Other stuff should fall into place.



Thanks, man.

I have been tinkering with the idea of getting another job. I mean, I left the store 5 years ago, so that may be a hurdle. Most of the stuff around here is either retail or food service, which I've done before...but maybe something like Barnes & Noble will be better (even during the holidays) than Pick 'n' Save. No need to rotate stock.

My parents believe in prayer (and I do, too, though I'll grant they don't always seem answered), but they've never mentioned it like a genie's wish. When my Dad's looking for a new account, he asks us to say prayers, but he doesn't skimp the interview or anything like that. He's suggested to me that I get some kind of training in a trade (as well as getting out of my room more, even if it's for a walk outside), but that's hindered by my inability to care about much of anything. Hard to pick some place that's going to devour chunks of my life when none of it seems remotely interesting. I mean, there is a site offering to teach comics grading for under $100, but I don't know how lucrative that'll be.

I mean, seriously...why can't I just have a job where I don't have to go anywhere, do anything, talk to anyone, and get paid lots of money? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!

My eldest brother got me "Rise From Darkness", a book on dealing with depression, and the suggestions seem pretty legit. But with so much going on in my head at any given time, or when I get distracted, I haven't done much to enact them myself (still have some left to read, too).

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10/6/2017, 11:31 am Link to this post Send Email to SporkBot   Send PM to SporkBot
 
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Re: The Worst Rollercoaster


Your dad's not wrong about he getting out more. I can't tell you the details, but honestly... Changing things up every now and then is a good thing. Human beings are creatures of habit, but we still need variety.

I will say don't waste the money on the comic class. I guarantee you that any skills or training you need do not come from a degree or a course, but from experience.

How's this for a goal: You want a comic book made? Go find a job, write a script, and with that job, hire an artist. Make a comic book. :)

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10/6/2017, 4:25 pm Link to this post Send Email to MachSabre   Send PM to MachSabre AIM
 
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Re: The Worst Rollercoaster


quote:

MachSabre wrote:

Your dad's not wrong about he getting out more. I can't tell you the details, but honestly... Changing things up every now and then is a good thing. Human beings are creatures of habit, but we still need variety.



Yeah. Speaking of variety, an Uncle replied to my bro's acceptance post (replied to our Brother-in-law's reply), making a passing mention of taking the "little brother" (me) with him to split rent. And considering how much we do together, it's possible he might ask. But while making such a move sounds like an adventure to some...I don't feel the same way. I'm not going to bring it up to him, but if he asks...chances are I'll say "I don't know" until it's too late. And again, I feel like there are things I'm needed for around here. Maybe it's complacency talking, maybe I'm used to being the go-fer of the family, but...yeah. It's complicated.

quote:

How's this for a goal: You want a comic book made? Go find a job, write a script, and with that job, hire an artist. Make a comic book.



Yeah, that's something I've been considering doing. Maybe if I'd pulled the proverbial trigger on it when I had the idea (though dipping further into my savings), it might've gone somewhere...heck, I wrote 12.5 scripts for a 25 issue series, and one for a SporkBot series (taking that animated series idea I had, adapting it to sequential art form), but I haven't gone back to any of that in forever because, well...I suck.

And the grading thing just seemed in the same avenue my Dad was talking about (training in a field), and has to do with something I actually care about. But again, I don't know if it would prove lucrative.

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10/6/2017, 6:49 pm Link to this post Send Email to SporkBot   Send PM to SporkBot
 
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Re: The Worst Rollercoaster


it's not about proving lucrative. It's about having something you're proud of.

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10/6/2017, 11:17 pm Link to this post Send Email to MachSabre   Send PM to MachSabre AIM
 


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